Mindfulness

     We have begun exploring the topic of avodas hamiddos. This week, we will discuss an essential and fundamental idea, pertaining to all avoda; mindfulness. It may be little known, but avoda requires a great deal of "mind" work, besides for all the emotional exertion necessary. While the concept of mindfulness is the basis for various forms of therapy and meditation, we'll use the term in its' broadest sense. Simply put, instead of going through our routine mindlessly, we should be in a constant state of awareness of our thoughts and actions. This is possibly the most basic element necessary to advance in our avoda.

 
      There are people who are "in touch" with themselves, and there are people who "know" themselves. There is a vast semantical difference between the two. Being "in touch" is the equivalent of a casual friendship. You maintain contact, but it's cursory. People who "know" themselves are deeply interested in learning every facet about themselves, even the minor details.  

 
      People who are "in touch" with themselves track their actions. People who "know" themselves track their thoughts. Thoughts come in two forms; conscious and subconscious. Rav Issac Sher writes in his introduction to the Cheshbon Hanefesh, that conscious thoughts are the result of subconscious thoughts. We have a constant "thought flow" in our minds that we may not even be cognizant of. These "thoughts" are the direct result of "middos". Middos, he explains, are "inner feelings of the soul", and they are expressed in subconscious thoughts. These thoughts are the primary influence on conscious thought. Conscious thought may be intellectual, but subconscious thought, by definition is not. When we find ourselves having thoughts and we don't know where they come from, they're rooted in middos. Therefore, we must pay attention, not only to our actions but to our thoughts as well.          
   
      Rav Nosson Zvi Finkel, the Alter of Slabodka told a story which illustrates this idea. A rumor reached the authorities, that the administration of the Beys Hatalmud in Kelm was inciteful against the government. When the  police converged on the Yeshiva to arrest the Alter of Kelm, R' Nosson Zvi announced that he was the rosh yeshiva, to spare his rebbe.  Later, when he related the incident, he added, that perhaps, in addition to his desire to save his rebbe, he also wanted to brag to the officials that he was in fact the head of the yeshiva.
   
     Similarly, someone deliberating about whether to begin a new gemach must ask himself why. He may think it's because he wants to "be mezake the rabbim" or some other selfless reason. However, if he would dig deeper, he may find that he has ulterior motives, like enjoying people's dependence on him or being called a big ba'al chesed. He should think back to his very first subconscious thought which will determine what his true motives are. The first thoughts are the middos speaking; the real him. After that, they're all fake; they may be good "cheshbonos", but they aren't "his" cheshbonos.
   
     Actions are merely external. Sometimes, we do things without reason. We react. We don't think through the results of our actions, and certainly not our motives. Middos are the cause of our subconscious thoughts. If we pay attention to our subconscious, we will succeed in finding the real "I" within ourselves.